“Luckiest Girl Alive”
TRIGGER WARNING ⚠ : Sexual assault, abuse, rape
I’ve been told something to the tune of that title multiple times throughout existence. A month ago, my aunty Janice put on a crime drama movie from Netflix on TV.
This isn’t a review about it, and I can’t say it depicts most or entirely of who I was/am. I will say that it is an R-rated movie, particularly of Teen Substance Use | Language Throughout | Sexual Material | Rape | Violent Content |
It is a 2022 movie written by Jessica Knoll after her fictional book of the same name. I saw in an article that she wrote about sexual assault in fiction before as she couldn’t talk about it initially as something real for herself as well.
Seeing this film has propelled me — yet four weeks later, to share what I wanted to do so last year. Particularly about an incident in my life of this same time exactly five years ago (2017). It hasn’t taken a part in becoming who I bear myself or identify as, though it is still one of the many toils in my life.
For a few weeks at that time, I started acting overly controlling, and very manipulative in situations surrounding someone I confusingly resented, and I wanted to reconcile sexual consent as I’d known it to be. I later told my sister Sashi about it and rooted back to what happened before it began. As I narrated what it was, she told me of it after, “Ate, that’s rape.”
In those moments, I told myself it was my fault. I was there.
The specific timeline of things after that realisation escapes me at this moment, although I have documented it at one point already.
I confronted the perpetrator; he was a friend of a friend, and I was met with shock from both of them. I told my friend first and she said he was very sensitive to those matters, was mindful of sexual consent, and respected boundaries so I should talk to him about it. He’d denied it to me and my sister at first and it riled her. When I told him the timeline of events and how I said, “No. Wag, ayoko.” he acknowledged and admitted to the self-interest of what he’d done.
Maybe the internet can hear the story of this in its entirety another time if it matters. The people who’d known about this were the people who were a part of my life in those pressing moments. But primarily, I had kept silent. Having gone through other things before this, that left me judged and in a far worse state, I wasn’t keen on asking for help again. Even if the most I used to do was ask for prayers.
Also, as someone who trained for years in learning different ways to fight, how would you talk about this? This happened before the diagnosis of my fatigue and pain disorder, though symptoms had developed for almost four years already. People could not understand that.
Some friends who did understand told me that it happens even to those who can fight and to men as well. Sadly, I personally know of male incidents of rape that occurred in America and in Asia.
Everybody’s healing one way or another right? And it isn’t linear. Even if, in my book, there have been more grave events that occurred in life personally, I couldn’t look at this picture of myself a decade ago the same way.
Dani had asked me what I would tell any age of who I was, given the chance. I said I would tell the 12yo me that, “You’ll live.” Yet, recently seeing a visual depiction of this 18yo one hit a bit differently.
Wanting to share this dauntlessly last year, goes my thanks to Skip Tan and the By His Stripes Project, who in his willingness to be candid and vulnerable without pretence inspired me.
I’ve gone through dealing with clinical PTSD from this incident and mind you, depression had come into my life already before that. I had been under countless peer counselling sessions and then interpersonal group therapy (under Where There Is Hope) for this. If it isn’t the gravest event that happened, I would say it still brought the darkest undertone I have ever encountered thus far. Considering the frightening abominations I’ve seen and experienced.
It hasn’t altered my sexual identity being a cis straight woman, and if you know me, my casual aesthetic is really just either tomboy or androgynous. I still loved someone special before and after that point in my life. In these new stages after directed therapy though, there surfaced some prompts that set me off emotionally recently. No one was even being disrespectful, but I questioned my worth as a person. It rocked my emotions for a good how many hours. I realised it had been because I was used as a sexual object before and it surfaced in this recent moment that it was the only purpose I would serve.
Some friends also helped me, and later that day I got to think more rationally. Weeks later, I felt strongly that I already know my worth. And that it’s of high value.
Dani asked me in Mabini this year what I think about love, and I said, “I still believe in it.”
P.S. My mental bandwidth can handle questions or things you would want to say especially about the Christian faith and my holding of its banner alongside a topic like this one. If you are really open to discussion, feel free to message me.
As this is the internet, I won’t stop you from saying what you will. I do ask that you keep any rape jokes to yourself. Especially for the sake of others here.
If you or anyone you know is experiencing sexual assault or abuse you can report it to your local/national sexual assault hotline.
Contact:
Called To Rescue PH
PH hotline 0917 541 0287 • International Hotline 1.855.646.5484
RAINN Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network
NSVRC National Sexual Violence Resource Center
